Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Mom said you looked used
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
