So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
