Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
