I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
