Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
