I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
