i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
