i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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