girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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