Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
