My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
