I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
