I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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