thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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