I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
