who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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