My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
