i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
