i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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