I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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