Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How does one acquire holy water?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
