Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
