I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
