Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
