take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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