Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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