I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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