I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
