Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
