I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He did a backflip because drugs
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
