ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
