should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
