Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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