I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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