just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
