My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
