I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
