I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
