Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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