Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
