So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
