I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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