If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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