I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
