my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
