From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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