the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
