dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
