You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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