I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
